When Just a Little is Just Enough
by Aleanbh
Summary: For them, just a little love is just enough to be too much, and they both know it.


**AN: **_A take on Jane and Lisbon's relationship as the threat of Red John becomes more real. Reviews greatly appreciated!_

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For them, just a little love is just enough to be too much, and they both know it.

The way they feel used to be easy to hide. Light flirtation, the only way they can express any possibility of their deeper feelings disguised as nothing more than what it appeared to be, than what it wasn't; growing mutual awareness and concern brushed off as the normal consequence of a working partnership; deeper feelings unacknowledged, even _when_ acknowledged -not by them, _never_ by them- but by others, by strangers who can see and understand and comment on what they refuse to confront; their closeness shrugged off as an inevitability of their years spent together.

It used to be easy to hide the feelings, to shut them down and pretend they weren't there, but it's harder now; for Teresa, at least, it's harder. She doesn't even know that Patrick shares her feelings, but even if he did, which she dares to hope he does, she knows for sure that if he wanted to, (and she's sure he _would_ want to) he would be able to suppress and hide his feelings indefinitely and with very little effort on his part. She doesn't have his gift of deception, as he so often likes to remind her, and it takes a conscious effort on her part to break the lingering gazes they share; to look less lovingly; to try and care less; to be less affected when she is hurt by him; to pretend that this isn't breaking her.

While Teresa is not cut out to deceive and pretend, Patrick can make up plenty for that which she lacks. He often makes a point of teasing her regarding her inability to lie, to hide her true feelings. As with all their interactions, Teresa is left wondering whether this is harmless teasing, or if there's a deeper meaning present. There is a chance, she believes, that Patrick is gently letting her know that she needs to work harder at this, that her attempts at hiding her emotions are letting them both down.

If this is the case, then that means her feelings are – and have been - blatantly clear to him, the one person she dreads knowing about the thoughts and desires she tries to patch up a disguise around, and in her usual fashion, Teresa cannot even begin to confront the idea that he knows. The shame, and embarrassment she feels even thinking of the possibility of Patrick knowing about this is overwhelming when she allows herself to think on it. To Teresa, the idea of him knowing about her feelings for him is unthinkable, and yet, when she reflects on it, she knows he does. She's humble enough to confess that she's not half as perceptive as he can be, but even she can tell that their relationship is special, to herself, of course, but also to him. She has a small, repressed – but oh so present, and still so strong – pride in the knowledge that even as fraught and troubled as their relationship can be, she is the one who knows him best, the one who can see through his smiles and jokes to the well hidden hurt beneath.

She supposes this was inevitable, two people, both unwilling to admit that they were lonely – one a little, one a lot – thrown together unexpectedly. He was broken, she was a fixer, and together they have forged a connection as strong as either have ever known. He knows her better than anyone, and vice versa, they have faced the world together for so long now, seen their team grow up, bosses come and go and all this time they're still at each other's sides. She has seen the worst of him, and it has terrified her, but she has seen the best of him too, and it has made her heart swell with pride, and a loving emotion she doesn't want to define. He has seen both sides of her too, and she finds that she is glad he has, for it has only made them closer. She supposes it was inevitable. They are so close now, and despite the hardships, Teresa wouldn't change it for the world.

Patrick wouldn't change what they have either. Unless it was a change for the better... Someday, when Red John proves to be no longer an issue, he would like to think they could make a change for the better, for them both. He wonders would Teresa make that change. He's been aware of her growing feelings for him, has been for some time. He also realises the deep conflict her feelings for him cause her, and he feels for her.

He never meant to cause her any trouble. When he walked into the Serious Crimes Unit for the first time, so, so long ago now, he could never have imagined back then that he'd now be the cause of the stress she's putting herself under because of feelings she thinks she shouldn't have. He knows how she feels. Unwanted – _but still, so wanted_ – feelings have been getting harder to suppress on his side too. It would have been easier on them both if they had never met, but Patrick dismisses that thought almost as soon as it occurs to him. His life without her would be unimaginable.

The loss of his family had left him with nothing, and Lisbon, and his work with her – and this includes his revenge, a regretful obligation he feels he regretfully must include in this – has become his Everything. He owes her everything. She has given him back a sense of belonging, given him the closest true friends he has had in years in the shape of the team. Through letting him into her life in the first place, she has given him access to his revenge, despite the fact she might hate herself for it. She has made the difference, in so many ways, to him, and he will be forever grateful to her for that. She has sparked feelings in him that he wasn't sure he would be able to feel again, but the only way he can show his thanks to her, for all these things, and for just being in his life, is to ignore his feelings for her, and encourage her to forget the feelings she has been harbouring for him. He sees her looking at him, worrying for him, feeling for him, and it makes him sad. It makes him angry. She is good, and she is pure, and she hasn't done anything to deserve the feelings she has for him, and the consequences they could likely bring. There are many possible scenarios of how the Red John saga will end, and too many of them end with Teresa's closeness to him as her downfall. He has always been her biggest gamble, her greatest pride, and her littlest regret.

Had she known the heartache he would cause her, would she have looked twice at him on that first day? She probably would have though, that's the thing, Patrick knows. She is a fixer, it is who she is. From the day they met, it has been a process. This whole time, she's been fixing him all along; little by little; just a _little_; just _enough_.

So he has tried to ease her out of her feelings for him, but it is becoming so hard. It used to be easier to snap at her, to show callousness when in her presence, to try and do anything that could discourage her from him. But it is so much harder now. Patrick finds himself seeking her approval on so many things; even when they are not together, things remind him of her, he looks forward so to seeing her again; and when he makes her smile, instead of repressing his pride for making her face light up as he believes he should, he represses the guilt that the same action causes and treasures the joy her beams bring him instead.

They both know how they feel, and they know how the other feels, and yet, for each other's sakes, they continue to live with the front they so long ago built up around themselves. Together, they have become a force to be reckoned with, they have become a single unit. Together, they fight, and they bicker, and they curse each other, but together they laugh, and they love, and they live out their lives side by side, all the while leaving it all unspoken. They both know why it is so important that they continue to leave their feelings unresolved, there is no escaping the truth of the matter – her life, so in danger already following recent promises from their greatest enemy, may depend on their discretion of their feelings.

It has been commented to them, in their presence on more than one occasion: it is clear, to them and to others, that they are a little in love. On one hand, a little in love is not nearly enough to be enough, but for them, even a little is enough to be too much: to be dangerous, and to be a threat. But try as they might to deny it, this little bit of love is a necessity for them, too. A little love is still love, no matter how hard they try to disguise it. This little smidge of love. It is just enough. For them, and for now, just a little is proving to be just enough to get them through.


End file.
